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  • Writer's pictureJack Hager

>Camp Counselors

>The Stuff Christians Like guy wrote this…it is hilarious, accurate, and, to the uninitiated or casual observer, perhaps a tad frightening! Check out his blog here

#356. The 7 Types of Christian Camp Counselors I was a pretty mediocre camp counselor. I’m not sure why exactly, but I just don’t think I added any value whatsoever to Camp Berea in New Hampshire. For some reason I was obsessed with earning a certificate in sharpshooting at the firing range. So roughly every free minute I had was speant sprawled out on an old mattress, shooting at a paper target with a rifle. Good times.

But fortunately for you and loads of other campers out there, there are lots of different types of camp counselors. Well not lots, but seven really. Here they are:

1. The Joe Cool Aliases: That guy that all the girls love. Natural Enemy: Sir No Showers a Lot Background: I wanted to be this guy. He was the counselor that was so cool he seemed out of place. It was like some land of cool had helicoptered him in on a rope. He listened to music you never heard of, had a tan even if the sun hadn’t been out and like the man in the Dos Equis commercial, “his blood smelled like cologne.” Best of all, he didn’t seem to care about it. This was not something he was manufacturing in his cabin. This was natural. He wasn’t shopping at the Chess King or wearing Z-Cavaricci’s to look hip (what we did in the early 90s), he was comfortable in an old t-shirt. He was the dude Abercrombie ads try to create in a fake way. He had never surfed, but he could. He had a weird way with animals and set the fastest time in the swim test when no one was looking. My four year old might be this person one day. She had to get six stitches yesterday after a pool incident and waved off the lortab pain medication in favor of calmly reading a Strawberry Shortcake book while the doctor sewed up her chin. That is exactly how the Joe Cool would have handled it. He probably would have even made reading Strawberry Shortcake look cool, he’s that good.

2. The Disciple Aliases: Prayer Warrior, Holy Roller, Hardcore for Heaven Natural Enemy: The Pastor’s Kid Background: This girl was slightly more holy than Jesus. She is the one that got up each morning at 4 to greet the sun and wave at the sparrows in the woods, what a glorious feeling. She was a champ at Bible competitions but wouldn’t give you any of the answers because like a teacher that forces you to look up a word in the dictionary instead of spelling it for you, she wanted you to learn on your own. If she was in high school, she was heavily involved in the youth group. If she was in college, she attended the “Harvard of Christian colleges,” whatever that meant that year. She wasn’t judgmental like the Narc, but wasn’t afraid to use the word “smite” or correct the special guest speaker the camp brought in if he was not doctrinally sound.

3. Sir No Showers a Lot Aliases: Stinky, Smelly, Dude bathe already Natural Enemy: Soap Background: Something about camp can bring out the smelliest in people. I guess because they’re outside and in nature they think they can throw off the shackles of civilization like regularly bathing and deodorant. This guy often lives on the mistaken belief that girls dig guys that are filthy. The worst thing about this counselor is when he tries to tie his “dirt merchant” ways to some sort of holy mission. Some guys all grow goatees together but this guy makes not using water as a cleaning agent some sort of act of sanctity. There’s a very good chance that he doesn’t wear shoes but has instead allowed a few solid weeks of being barefoot to turn the bottoms of his feet as hard as leather. Avoid this guy at all costs. Don’t ever let him help out in the kitchen.

4. The Nicest Person that Ever Lived Aliases: Sunshine Natural Enemy: That’s not very nice of you to ask. Background: This is the only counselor that will write you when camp is over. No, scratch that, this is the only person from camp that will write you. And I’m not talking about emails or text messages. I’m talking about real letters, made of paper and stamp and time. Probably on her own personal stationary. She loves camp. She always has and takes feels true joy from helping you enjoy it too. Sometimes this person may be the daughter of the person that owns the camp, although occasionally the kids of camp owners are too close to the camp to see how special it is. It’s just where their dad works.

5. The Reformed Rebel Aliases: The legend Natural Enemy: The Narc Background: This is probably my favorite camp counselor. Despite being young, they’ve been through the wringer a few times already. They used to pull pranks that are still legendary at camp but won’t help you pull your own. Not that they are against pranks now but they want you to learn the lessons of this life yourself. They aren’t afraid to show you bumps and bruises from the mistakes they’ve made and if you ever get into a campfire confessional, this is the person you want sitting next to you. They aren’t afraid to cry and seem to have a really honest, intimate relationship with Christ. It’s less like someone trying to shout up to the heavens and get the attention of a massive deity and more like someone talking with a friend that they really love.

6. The Narc Aliases: Phariswat Team, Fun Police Natural Enemy: Everyone, particularly people “making purple.” Background: This is usually a self appointed title. I don’t think that camps actually assign or completely endorse this person, but they exist. Their mission for the week or the summer is to make sure everyone is following the rules. They don’t see the rules as something to help prevent accidents or injuries. The rules are guideposts to an efficient, effective camp experience and anyone that steps out of line needs to be corrected. Often this person is the only one that has access to the bullhorn which in some scary situations they actually brought from home. If you steal their bullhorn, hypothetically speaking of course, they will magically pull a whistle out of nowhere and use that instead to keep everyone on point.

7. The Rebel Aliases: The bad seed, the “how did that guy get to be a counselor” guy Natural Enemy: Whoever finds the contraband he hid in a shallow hole by the ropes course. Background: This person is pretty rare, which I think is probably a good thing. But sometimes, you’ll encounter a counselor that seems to break all the rules he’s supposed to be enforcing. He sneaks out at night when the kids are asleep to go into town and mingle with some locals. He wears his ropes course safety helmet backwards and is the only one in recorded history to have actually hit the camp owner with a water balloon. It makes little sense that he works at the camp but there’s a theory that he got the job through blackmail. Or his dad is the pastor. Either way, keep an eye on this guy.

I haven’t gone to camp in years but if I do get to make a cameo someday, expect to find me hanging out with the Reformed Rebel and the Narc’s stolen bullhorn.

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